That’s it. Another year has flown by. 2018 was a pretty wild one for me and I’m looking forward to challenging myself even more in the New Year.
This has been the year where I felt as though I have changed a considerable amount and really tested my confidence and perseverance. I enjoy reflecting consistently through the year but of course after Christmas it’s a time for a full review of the 365 days we have just experienced. Each year I set myself goals and challenges which, overall, I am quite good at keeping up. This year I had the aim to; pass my A levels, keep a little art journal and put myself first. I certainly managed all of these coming out of 2018 with three B grades in the bag, a cute pocket book holding so many emotions and a defiant attitude from standing up for myself.
I am incredibly grateful for everything that has happened this memorable year although quite a few bad things have occurred, I can sit here now and reflect positively even though I’m still healing.
So, 2018 in a summary? The task of consolidating this year to a few words is certainly hard because of the vast array of emotions and experiences I’ve had but I’ll try my best…
- exciting
- new
- stressful
- enlightening
- a rollercoaster
So many achievements have been made and I’ve even managed to tick things off of my bucket list which is always fabulous! This will be the year which I refer to as the one where; I officially became an adult and a vegetarian, I volunteered at my first festival, I started a blog and became part of an online magazine, I started driving lessons, I passed my A levels, I learnt that I can love and be loved.
I’ve experimented so much with style which I am excited to continue exploring and developing. My individuality has become even more apparent and the care I have for worrying about what people think has become less and less. Learning to know myself has been vital.
The year began with a couple dates with a boy I had been talking to for a few months. This was scary to me as I don’t trust people straight away and I’m very cynical when it comes to romance. Nevertheless, we hit it off well and, to cut a long story short, we had an incredible time together and experienced so much. Although the breakup was incredibly difficult to deal with, and still is, I am so happy that the relationship happened because of it being such a rollercoaster of a year regarding exams, end of school and big life changes. We supported each other and got to know each other’s families and it was just so new and exciting. Healing from it has been tough but I continuously try to ground myself and think, ‘come on now, don’t be bitter. We all have to move on at some point and your time is here. Don’t forget how much you have benefited from this.’ The psychology you have to put yourself through is intense but imagining how good you will feel in a few months’ time pushes you to keep looking forward.
My 18th party is a memorable part of this year. After a few months or planning, preparation and worry, people turned up AND had a good time! Never would I have thought that I would host something like that but I did and I have to say it was bloody brilliant!
I don’t want to bore you with the heartache and pain that has happened the last 12 months and will keep this post as light-hearted as possible, however, part of reflection is to look at the full picture. Along with what has been mentioned previously, my mental health this year has had many peaks and troughs. As many people do, I have anxiety and experience depression and OCD. Because of this my mental wellbeing has been hugely unpredictable along with the introduction of the contraceptive pill (article about my experience here) there have been many fluctuations which hasn’t helped situations. My mood swings in July and August were unbelievable. I’d literally say or do something and almost in third person I’d be watching myself thinking, “what the fuck?!” The importance of addressing this is vital to me because it has really affected my personality and my year overall. A particular low was when I got glandular fever right before my exams started. Let me tell you this, 1) I felt like I was dying and 2) I felt like I was going to fail everything and not be able to do all the things I had planned for summer. Thankfully though, with a lot of rest, painkillers and support from close ones my body decided to buck its ideas up and make me better again. This is another thing that I am grateful for because glandular fever is something which can affect you long term and take a while to fully recover. Luckily, I got over it pretty speedily and it frightened me when I was diagnosed. I will be sure to write more about my experience in another post soon.
Of course, the dreaded exams were stressful and it put everyone in a very weird place especially as these ones were deciding people’s futures. But lo-and-behold they happened and we were left with the painful wait for results day. I opened my envelope on the rainy Thursday morning in the car with my mum. The fear and minimal confidence I had made me cry a little when I saw the three B’s looking back at me. I was so convinced that I was going to fail. The rest of that day was kind of weird but the relief was gargantuan.
Other great things that have happened include; starting driving lessons (a big thing for me as I was terrified to start them but my instructor is hella cool and I’m hardly ever nervous when I’m driving with her). I also became part of the Risenzine team which has allowed me to interact with people from all over the world, create posts for the site, and even travel to London to meet some of them! They found me at a time where I really needed new people and a creative outlet which I cannot wait to continue contributing to even more in the New Year. I’ve managed to see artists I love and find more great music along the way. My concert highlights have got to be; seeing Dodie in Bristol with my closest friend and crying to ‘Sick of Losing Soulmates’; watching Lizzo being an absolute QUEEN at Reading as well as Kendrick Lamar and Panic! at the Disco (despite being almost crushed to death) and Gentleman’s Dubclub on a scorching day at Bestival which was just incredible. I’m really looking forward to do more music related things like that in the future. This year was also a time where I started working full time which has led me to learn many new things that I wish to improve upon. This includes barista work therefore hopefully this time next year I will have the handy skills of latte art and ace coffee making.
After finishing exams I allowed myself to indulge in the thing I did with guilt before: consuming media. I’ve been able to watch films and TV shows without the pressure of remembering every detail to then write an essay on it. It’s been liberating but I also love applying the knowledge I’ve learnt over the last two years. I’ve seen live performances, gone to the cinema and absorbed what feels like half of Netflix. Films such as ‘Frida’, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and ‘Mamma Mia 2’ have been so entertaining and inspiring to me. I have also committed myself to watching the entirety of 'Game of Thrones' and 'Friends' which I thoroughly enjoyed. 'Bojack Horseman' was particularly interesting and I am sure to do a more in depth review another time.
All in all, this hear has taught me so much. I’ve pushed myself to do things I’m terrified of and never imagined myself doing as well as putting my personal wellbeing before others which has truly benefitted me.
I have several goals for 2019 including:
- learning BSL
- passing my driving tests
- improving my photography and coffee making skills
I also want to go travelling, volunteer at festivals, take a photo of myself every day to see how much I’ve changed, keep up with my creativity and take up some kind of exercise/ meditating routine.
From what I’ve learnt over the years is to not necessarily set myself resolutions ad instead create reasonable targets. The amount of times I’ve had the resolution to stop biting my nails is ridiculous especially when I know it is probably only going to last a couple weeks.
I have these aspirations in mind because I believe I can achieve them. This is my first year out of school for the last 14 years of my life and I want to make it count.
A message to my future self would be – you’ve been through shit and stuff is only going to get harder but you’re tough and kind and can get through it. Continue doing things that make you happy and stop obsessing over the past. You have to be your own priority because you aren’t going to be anyone else’s.
To those reading this, I wish you the best for the New Year and hope everything goes well for you. It will be cool to do this again in a year’s time and reflect on what 2019 brought us.